He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
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Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
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