So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
