Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
