Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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