Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
