Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
