and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
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He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
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I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
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