he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
