Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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