you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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