At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
