Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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