The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
