Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
