The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
