Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
