i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
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Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
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I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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