so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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