It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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