whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
