Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Randomize
