Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
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