I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
