It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
