the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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