seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Randomize
