you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
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You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
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I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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