I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
