my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
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