life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
