Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
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