You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
