u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
