If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Randomize
