He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
