hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
