So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
"women exchanges sex for chips" on msnbc
damn even the hoes are getting hit by this economy
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
PANTIES FOUND
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