We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
i think i just lost a toe
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
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