Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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