If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
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