I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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