You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
