I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.