I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Randomize
