there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
