watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
