The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Congratulations! We have a period
Randomize
