How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Randomize
