I wish my penis had an off switch
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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