just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
