he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Let's get the cat blown out
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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