I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
No I am not eating basil off your cock
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
