he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
