There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
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