My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch