yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
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Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
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I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Dude, where are you?
... whose car?
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".