loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
27 Of The Most NSFW Life Hacks
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
23 Disturbing Small-Town Horror Stories
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
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