You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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